BARRIERS AND BUILDERS

Barrier 1: Assuming in ways that limit

We all need some assumptions in order to function. Healthy assumptions are the ones that keep all options opened. When we assume what people will think, how they will respond, what they can and can’t do…we often create barriers.

Sounds Like

“You always…”

“You never…”

”Why can’t you ever…” “What good would it do…”

“I didn’t even tell you because…”

Builder 1: Checking

Checking is the logical alternative to assuming. We demonstrate that we respect the person – that s/he is capable to make choices and decisions and we are allowing for that person’s growth.

Sounds Like

“I need to check something out with you…”

“How would you like to handle…”

“What are you thinking about this…”

“Tell me what your

options are…”

Barrier 2: Rescuing or explaining

A belief that good parents and teachers explain things to children can be misunderstood.

Explanations can be long and confusing and cause frustration. Often stepping in too quickly rescues and enables the person.

Sounds Like

“This is what happened”

“This is why it happened”

“Here’s what you have to do to fix it”

“This is how you have to do it”

Builder 2: Exploring

When we are patient and allow for helping children explore experiences, we give the message that they are capable to master the situation and grow in their understanding.

Sounds Like

“What is your understanding of the situation?”

“Having had this experience now, what will you do in the future?”

Barrier 3: Directing

It is much easier and often faster for parents and teachers to step in and tell children to do things our way. When we are overly or unnecessarily directive, we usually encourage hostility, aggression, resistance, and/or passive-aggressive behavior.

Sounds Like

“Pick that up”

“Take your shower”

“Do it now”

“Wear your coat”

Builder 3:

Encouraging/ Inviting

When we encourage and invite children, they are more willing, cooperative, and responsive. They feel encouraged as we treat them as assets rather than objects, look at mistakes as opportunities rather than failures, and invite participation and contributions rather than direct and demand.

Sounds Like

“Think about how we might…”

Barrier 4: Expecting (too much, too soon)

High expectations are great if they are reasonable, attainable, and positive. But when they are the standards by which we begin to point out children’s inadequacy or make conditions for acceptance, then they are a barrier.

Sounds Like

“You need to do it just like this”

“You didn’t do it just the way I wanted”

“You need to do it again until it’s right”

“This is not good enough”

“You did this, but…”

Builder 4: Celebrating Celebrating

is the simple act of recognizing progress. Focus on the positive movement, even if small – this produces more encouragement than adding a “but”. Celebrating is encouraging and develops a positive attitude toward learning.

Sounds Like

“I appreciate when you…”

“You worked hard to …”

“”I feel great when you helped with…”

“We did this together!”

Barrier 5:Using Adultisms

When an adult forgets what it’s like to be a child and then expects, demands, and requires of the child to think, act, understand, see, and do things as an adult. These unrealistic expectations from adults produce feelings of helplessness, frustration, hostility, and aggression in young people.

Sounds Like

“You act like a baby”

“Why are you so childish?”

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

“When will you ever grow up?”

“Why can’t you ever…”

Builder 5: Respect

Showing respect allows the person to know that his/her ideas count, they are valued by you. When people know that their perceptions are respected, their willingness and ability to cooperate is greatly increased.

Sounds Like

“What is your understanding of…”

“What are your ideas for…”

“What might you do differently…”

“Tell me how you see this…”